What Now?

Disclaimer- If you are a grammar or spelling Nazi leave now. I don’t intent to pretend to be a writer, this is just me being me. 😉

So here I am. Its been over a year that I walked away from a 9 year relationship. It’s been one of the hardest but also most rewarding things I’ve ever experienced. Reward? you may ask, yes learning that you can survive heart ache has been my reward. Being stronger wiser and not losing sight has been my reward. This breakup was not by choice, no this breakup came as result of infidelity.  Looking back, I know the relationship ended way before he started to have an affair. I knew that going to school meant sacrificing all my relationships. I entered a graduate program while holding down 2 jobs, volunteering at former middle school and trying, endlessly trying to keep up with everything else. I knew that something would have to give and having grown up hearing “men need attention” all my life, I subconsciously came to terms with the fact that him cheating on me was a possibility. For the record, if I had to do it all over again I would. I chose my education because my career was my dream. My education has always been my priority and I was determined to do what few thought I was capable off. You might ask, “then why stay?” and the answer is simple, I loved him and there was a huge part of me that wanted to be proved wrong. The when, where and how are not important. Cheating is cheating and no detail changes the level of betrayal. In an attempt to try to mend a broken heart and 9 years of my life, I decided to attempt to work things out….let’s just get to the point, it didn’t work out. I quickly began to realize that our being together was not going to happen not only because he cheated and I could not forgive or forget but because we become 2 different, very different people.

Heart ache sucks! It literally makes you feel like life is being sucked out of you, you feel like your heart is being pulled out your chest and cut into a million little pieces. Like your chest has been pumped with air and you’re desperately gasping to catch a full breath. It messes with your sleep, for many they lose weight in my case I gained it. It wasn’t until recently that I began to sleep through most of the night. Closing my eyes meant seeing images of them together, because as my luck would have it, the woman he chose to have an affair with posted their relationship on social media. My thoughts would beat me every night, there I laid in bed, in a dark room staring at a sealing waiting for daylight to arrive. I remember at its worst, the pain I felt was indescribable, really there were not words. It got to a point I got an my knees and began to talk to God, if he wasn’t going to take that pain away then all I asked was that he gave me the strength to endure it.

I’ve battled depression since the age of 14, I’ve beaten many battles but this one, this heartache became a battle I had never experienced so there I was trying to make sense of everything and nothing. We all fight demons, I fight mine everyday day, they are depression, anxiety, fear and past that even after years of therapy creeps in when I least expect it. So what now? I desperately asked myself, what am I suppose to do now?

So do I hate him? No, I don’t, I mean that 100%. I actually wish him well as I truly believe he is capable of being a great partner just not to me and as hard as that is, I’ve come to terms with it. I won’t sit there and say it didn’t hurt, of course it did but I also strongly believe life gives you who and what you need when you need it. He is not for me. I don’t have any ill feelings towards him, even after ALL I’ve been through. People assume they know what happened but if you’ve ever been in a relationship you know there’s much that’s never told, exposed or revealed. I have chosen to allow people to think they know because lets be honest…people will talk no matter what.

So what now?  What happens after a relationship is over and dust has settled? Well, naturally I set out to find myself because that’s what society tells us we should do. Yes! that whole self discovery, set out on a new journey, push restart narrative was one I took on. Prayer, meditation, allowing some self pity (not too much)! I’ve done it all and I continue to because its the only way I’ve some what managed to get by.

I began to date again, I met a great person, I plan to write an entry about it in the near future but let me not leave you in suspense, it didn’t workout. Timing, life, space, situations, my inability to be honest about my feelings and how much I really cared about him all played a part. He has his opinion and I have mine but at the end of the day this is what I know for sure. I am who I am, and I am worth everything this world has to offer, I love, love. I am loyal to everything and everyone that is loyal to me. I am determined to live not just survive and I refuse to give up on the idea the fairy tale exist. Perhaps I am naive but I’ve seen darkness, I’ve lived it and I refuse to ever be there again. I refuse to live with hate, grudge or remorse.

So what now? I continue to live, I continue on this journey and I’ll do my best to see the signs along to way, to collect memories and grow from them. I continue to establish and grow my relationship with the higher power and keep faith in the direction he is sending me in. What now? I give thanks, I continue to appreciate the heart ache and bad experiences as much as my blessing. What now? I simply continue to be me! All of me.